The feeling of having no more feelings

It felt familiar.
The feeling of being dead somewhere deep down.
I couldnt remember when was it, how long ago or what happened.

This feeling of numbness felt good cause u no longer pin any small little hopes anymore.
In a whole of your own, somewhere inside, u know, that you wont feel pain for the situation anymore.

It is the spirit of giving in to circumstances and losing the will to overcome it.

Now I remembered.

I felt the same way when I decided not to pin anymore hope on my mother.
I decided to let things be, to let her be, to let her move on her life with her new-found family, her new husband and her new son. It felt good cause I know that I will stop having anymore expectations from her.

My mother has been one of the most crucial person in my life.
She was the one I cant bear to leave and cried the moment she left for work in the morning. I miss her the monent she is not by my side.
She was the one I allow time to pass by during the day so that I can see her after her work.
I need only one thing from her - her presence.
She can nap for one hour after she came back, she can do her sewing, she can watch her TV.
But as long as she is around, I felt safe, I felt secured.

Nothing remains unchanged and so were our lives.
I felt the same numbness when I saw how hard she was trying with her new-found family and I decided to stop trying - 10 years after her new marriage. I knew she has to sustain what she has started and I felt like a hindrance in her feat.

I believed she felt the same numbness when she left her ex boyfriend of seven years.

Now, there it is again.

Ten years later.
I know myself so well. I know there will not be any turning back and nothing will be changed.
I know I have given up and I will not ever try to make it work again.
I have forgiven the situation and on the route of forgiving the person involved.
I have come to see that life is not always happening and revolving around what you want.


This is a good time to have a 2nd, if not 3rd try to move on with a new phase of my life to pursue what I wanted. I need to make a list of what I want to do.

Life is a hard journey, and I have experienced it well enough to comment on that statement.

But life still moves on and I hope that people will come to respect my decision.
I m not giving in to destiny yet.
I m on another route to the pursuit of happiness.