When Separation no longer involves just 2 person

Not all marriages work out the way fairytales made them out to be.

No one enters a marriage with the intention to leave ultimately.

No one doesnt want a complete family.

However, in the realistic world, it is always the simple things in life that are extremely hard to achieve - it is not easy to understand.. but for those who yearns for them like me, I wondered what price have they paid.

Having married for a whopping 10 years, it doesnt seem too long a time, but it is not too short a time as well. Yet to reach the 30th mark, 10 years stands up more than one-third of my life. And it has come to a point where I have decided to take another step forward, to move out of a marriage that I have tried to sustain for the past 10 years.

In the course of the 10 years, it hadnt been a smooth journey. The needs changes, the wants changes, the environment changes and with each remarkable experience, people change.

It has come to a point for me to admit that the differences between him and myself are too great to give birth to real happiness. And the white towel is thrown out this time, and I know I wont take it back. In a huff, the decision to move out was made.

The decision to live apart is so easy.

But, the decision doesnt just change the lives of the 2 person that got married. It actually involves the children as well. In fact, it will affect them more adversely than the real parties.

I was more than naive to think that hiding the truth from them is the best way to protect them.

In a short span of time, my little precious changed.

Sitting down with him on a few occassions, listening to him.. it is a wonder how a 5 year old's mind's think.

Spewed with innocence, and relying on the adults for support.. it is like an end to his little life.

My little precious has become extremely short tempered, emotional and temperamental.

He told me one late night when I was tucking him to bed, anger just spawned on him when he was on the verge to slipping into dreamland:

'Mommy, I wanna quit!'
'Quit what?'
'Quit school! I hate school! I hate everyone!'
'Why do you say that, darling?'
'I dun care! I just wanna quit! I wanna quit everything! I wanna quit my life!'
'Quit your life?'
'U dunno? Quit my life means I want to die! I just want to die!!!'

Wails of cries followed his rantings.. My heart was smashed.

On another ocassion, the little one told me:

'Mommy, I dunno why everyone likes to scold me and punish me. I m always in the wrong. But I dunno what I did wrong.'

The most recent one sent me to the brink of tears when I was talking to him over something that he did wrong. He got suddenly provoked when someone came to add on another act of mischief.

'Why dun u just beat me? I will forever be a naughty boy. Just beat. No need to give me any more chances. Just beat. beat finish you can go.'

There have to be ways to better handle them. And all I m asking for is for the adults that play a part in the innocent little lives to cool down and think.. and handle the situation the best way possible.

*****

When things go wrong in a marriage it is often wondered if the couple involved should stay together for the children. The fact of the matter is that it's not the separation that does the most damage, it's the living in a war zone that affects the kids. Nobody wants to live in a world that swings from stony silence to screaming fits and back again. Even if it's not that extreme children can sense when things aren't as they should be and may even wonder if it's something they've done.


During divorce proceedings try to make sure the children know what is going on. Explain it in terms they can understand. They need to know how they will be affected and reassured that you will do your best to keep their lives as unchanged as possible. Try to avoid a situation where they will have to leave their school and friends at the same time as seeing their parents separate.




They should be reassured that the changes going on are due to nothing they have done. Many children wonder if they are to blame and it can take a lot of repeating to actually get it through to them that their parents can no longer stay together because of how the parents feel and not because they've done or said something to cause the rift.



One of the worst thing that can happen to a child during the divorce process is to find themselves torn between the two parents wondering if they should be siding with one or the other. Never confide in your child no matter how old they are. Find an understanding friend to share your troubles with. Your child needs to be able to freely love both parents.



Schools and other organisations that the children attend can help keep you informed about any changes in their behaviour and can be a great source of information on how the children are coping with the changes. They may feel the need to hide their emotions at home as you seem to have enough on your plate. Keep the teachers up to date with what is going on in their family lives. There is no shame in divorce these days - around 1 in 3 children will go through their parents' separation.



When the other parent is not prepared to be fair about arrangements for whatever reason, it is important that the other doesn't start having a moan to the children. If one doesn't turn up for visits or doesn't allow visits to happen just explain that you don't agree with what they are doing but you will just need to make the best of it. Don't play tit for tat - it is the children that get caught in the middle and nobody will ever win this game.



Rarely is shared custody awarded to parents these days so there will be just the one principle carer. Children need to know, however, that both parents still want to be a part of their lives. For the person who does not have principle care it is important that your children know your home is theirs too. Make a space fro their belongings to stay for when they visit.



When a parent enters a new relationship it can be quite disconcerting for the children. They may feel guilty about liking this new person and feel like they are being disloyal to the other parent. Once a new relationship is established try introducing the new partner as a friend to begin with. The relationship in the eyes of the children can be changed once the children have had a chance to make up their own mind about the new person in their lives.



The children will also want both parents to be involved in the important events in their lives from nativity plays to exam results. If you are the principle carer make sure the other parent knows about these events and how to get tickets or what date results are due so they can also make the effort to be there. At the end of the day, even though your marriage has ended and the divorce has come through, you are in a partnership for life as two parents for each child born out of that marriage.