It felt familiar.
The feeling of being dead somewhere deep down.
I couldnt remember when was it, how long ago or what happened.
This feeling of numbness felt good cause u no longer pin any small little hopes anymore.
In a whole of your own, somewhere inside, u know, that you wont feel pain for the situation anymore.
It is the spirit of giving in to circumstances and losing the will to overcome it.
Now I remembered.
I felt the same way when I decided not to pin anymore hope on my mother.
I decided to let things be, to let her be, to let her move on her life with her new-found family, her new husband and her new son. It felt good cause I know that I will stop having anymore expectations from her.
My mother has been one of the most crucial person in my life.
She was the one I cant bear to leave and cried the moment she left for work in the morning. I miss her the monent she is not by my side.
She was the one I allow time to pass by during the day so that I can see her after her work.
I need only one thing from her - her presence.
She can nap for one hour after she came back, she can do her sewing, she can watch her TV.
But as long as she is around, I felt safe, I felt secured.
Nothing remains unchanged and so were our lives.
I felt the same numbness when I saw how hard she was trying with her new-found family and I decided to stop trying - 10 years after her new marriage. I knew she has to sustain what she has started and I felt like a hindrance in her feat.
I believed she felt the same numbness when she left her ex boyfriend of seven years.
Now, there it is again.
Ten years later.
I know myself so well. I know there will not be any turning back and nothing will be changed.
I know I have given up and I will not ever try to make it work again.
I have forgiven the situation and on the route of forgiving the person involved.
I have come to see that life is not always happening and revolving around what you want.
This is a good time to have a 2nd, if not 3rd try to move on with a new phase of my life to pursue what I wanted. I need to make a list of what I want to do.
Life is a hard journey, and I have experienced it well enough to comment on that statement.
But life still moves on and I hope that people will come to respect my decision.
I m not giving in to destiny yet.
I m on another route to the pursuit of happiness.
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1 comment:
I totally agree with you... You deserve, and should, pursue your happiness and the things that you want... I can see that you have tried to make things work but sometimes things are not within our control... We cannot make things turn out the way we want them to be... Juz like I cannot force my heart & mind not to think about someone or something... We can only try - try to forget, try to forgive, try to... Besides, it takes 2 hands to clap and both parties have to put in efforts to make it happen...
I will respect and support your decision... Not matter how tough or strong a woman is, a woman is still a woman, very emotional and fragile... it aint easy for any woman to make a tough decision... too many things to consider, esp when dealing with emotions... I can see what you want, what you really want... You try to give in, but now you start to give up... I dunno how accurate the fortune master is, but you should juz lead the life you want...Dun think too much about who and who... think about yourself, what makes you happy (since life is short and we have experienced really tough and rough times)... Maybe what he said might not be accurate and will not come true, so dun think too much... I have decided to carry on with my plan and see how things go... no matter what happens, as long as we have done what we want after much consideration, we can look back without any regret...
Jia you my dear... Only you can deprive/torture or pamper/reward yourself... Which one will you choose? It all depends on You... Nonetheless, you have us behind you... whenever you feel that you don't have the strength to move forward, we will be there to give you that gentle push so that you can move on bravely~ Go Ah Von Go!!
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